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Rudolph the Red Sprouting Broccoli

5 December 2012

Rudolph sprouting broccoli

Rudolph the sprouting broccoli
Had a funny coloured head,
And if you ever saw it
You’d consign him to the shed.
All of the other veggies
Used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any garden games.

Then one cold December’s eve
Marga came to say:
“Rudolph, with your flowers so bright,
You’ll go in my pie tonight!”
Then all the veggies loved him
As they shouted out with glee:
“Rudolph the sprouting broccoli,
You saved us from being tea!”

This carol comes from Lexy, another new contributor.


O Come, O Come: A Carol for Advent

4 December 2012

That’s right, Mr Kitten is back! The muse is upon me again, and in recognition of the long wait my readers have had – not to mention the Advent season – Hannah, Bertie and I have written a carol about the most important wait of all.

You can listen to the tune here.

O come, O come and get out of your bed!
It’s time to wake, you lazy sleepyhead.
Bring forth my bowl of Whiskas divine.
The other two must wait in line.

Get up! Get up! Pull on your warmest socks
And feed us! It’s already six o’clock.

Mr Kitten:
O come now, Hannah, won’t you please be quick?
(But not so fast you end up being sick.)
I have some serious mousing to do
So please be swift; I know you cannot chew.

Get up! Get up! Pull on your warmest socks
And feed us! It’s already six o’clock.

I must be patient, my turn will come soon.
I have a home now. I’m over the moon.
I’ll sit up on the fridge here on high
Until the time to eat my noms is nigh.

Get up! Get up! Pull on your warmest socks
And feed us! It’s already six o’clock.

O come, O come, we still don’t have our food
And keeping your cats waiting will not do.
I’ll send K to bop you on the nose
While Bertlebert makes mincemeat of your toes.

Get up! Get up! Pull on your warmest socks
And feed us! It’s already six o’clock.

“Bertie?” I hear you ask. “Could this new contributor be any relation to Evil Twin Bert?” All will be revealed in the next few weeks, so please stay tuned for more high-quality carols, poems and gossip.

Lex the hamster, or the ineptness of humans

9 September 2011

The humans I live with are not very proficient at hunting. Occasionally one of them will get hold of a rodent or a bird I’ve brought in, but their reflexes are slow, and I’ve never known them manage to catch anything outside. More commonly, I will leave a mouse on the bedroom carpet for them, because I feel sorry for them and their need to resort to inferior, sanitised ingredients that others (cats or humans? Must find out) have caught for them.

However, it seems this may be changing. Somehow, one or other of them has managed to catch a hamster! This is hugely exciting. Unfortunately, I don’t have access to the room where it’s kept, but I have it on good authority that it looks like this:

Lex, a white hamster

“The room where it’s kept?” I hear you ask. That’s right, and this is further proof of the humans’ ineptness. For some bizarre reason, they have put the hamster in a luxurious cage and given it the name Lex. Incredulously, they even have a plastic ball it runs about in, turning it into the most fantastic cat toy ever:

Hamster in a hamster ball

And yet they won’t let a kitten play with it! *sulks*

I don’t think I will ever understand humans. Are they saving the hamster for later, or is this but a small part of some ploy to take over the world?

What noise does a peanut make?

7 September 2011

Dear readers,

This is a question which has been troubling me for some time. What noise does a peanut make? If you know the answer and would be happy to share it with me, it would greatly assist me in my endeavours. Thank you.

Best wishes,

Mr Kitten

Cat perched on birdhouse, with the caption "Now all he had to do... was make a noise like a peanut!"

(Image from a greetings card by Quitting Hollywood.)

Stop Press! Update on the Slightly Strange Cat

9 April 2011

A new slightly strange cat has come to live with Teddy at Kitten Towers. Her name is Toffee, but I don’t think she can fly as she is too fat:



However, while Teddy’s status remains unknown, today I unearthed some exciting proof that slightly strange cats can and do fly. Please take a look here:

Photographic Evidence of Slightly Strange Cats Flying

Must go now, I need to hide from the men painting our windows attend to some important business underneath the bed.

In Memory of Squeak: ? 1996 – 27 January 2011

15 March 2011

Squeak came to live at Kitten Towers in 2008 after her elderly housemate of 12 years had to go into a care home, leaving Squeak behind. She originally took refuge at the excellent Drifters Reach, but had only just settled in when my human housemates turned up looking for a friend for Hannah. They were immediately drawn to the beautiful tortoiseshell cat who kept meowing at them, and so one hour after arriving at the shelter, Squeak left again, breaking a new record. Squeak was on Special Offer and came with a FREE scratching post, a brush and a mat for spilling food on.

The following morning, my housemates discovered the reason behind Squeak’s name. She didn’t just meow at the shelter. She meowed constantly and squeakily, and particularly at five o’clock in the morning when she wanted to be fed. If this failed to get the humans out of bed, she wasn’t above bopping them on the nose à la Simon’s Cat, or climbing onto the bedside table and scratching their spectacles.

Squeak was a little too old for hunting, but she sometimes stole rodents from me, and was partially responsible for the Christmas Eve Mouse incident, when one of my housemates spent an hour before Nine Lessons and Carols chasing a mouse around the spare room in the nude. She also stalked a snail once – it was a close thing, and the snail nearly got away, but Squeak was triumphant in the end. It’s just a shame snails don’t taste very nice.

Squeak, Hannah and Kitten

The three of us, with Squeak at the front and me at the back.

Squeak’s interests were many and varied. She liked sitting in the sun, and also perching herself on or squeezing herself into hard-to-reach places. She liked men, especially men in uniform, and would climb onto the laps of policemen taking statements when the shed had been burgled yet again. She liked to be brushed and would roll on the bed and thump her tail in pleasure. She also liked catnip a little too much, but the less said about that, the better.

Squeak in the herbs

Squeak finds a sunny spot.

Above all, Squeak liked her food, and her verse of We Three Cats is a fair commentary on her eating habits. Her favourite thing ever was chicken tikka on the bone, and she once vomited up a six-inch-long chip, which she had apparently swallowed whole. I’m not sure whether she ever really had suckling pig or duckling, but the thing about filching cake is certainly true. On New Year’s Eve, one of my housemakes baked a giant cupcake and left it on the cooling rack, thinking none of us cats would be interested in it. After hearing suspicious noises from the kitchen, she went downstairs to find Squeak sitting on the counter and a large chunk of cake missing.

Sadly, a couple of weeks after this incident Squeak began having seizures and went all wobbly. The last few days of her life were brilliant as there were unlimited quantities of wet food, fishy treats and cat milk for all. But then on 27 January, after we had sniffed her goodbye, she didn’t come back from the vet and Hannah-puss was put on a diet.

I’m a little confused about what’s happened to Squeak now because my housemate says she’s in Heaven (which isn’t in the airing cupboard), but also that she’s in the little cylinder which came back from the pet crematorium. She always was good at fitting into small places, so I think that must be right. Early reports from Heaven indicate that God hasn’t been able to enjoy a lie-in since Squeak passed over.

Petplan Epic Fail

26 February 2011

I must apologise to my readers for the lack of poems on The Kitten Cantos in recent weeks. As you may have seen on Twitter, Squeak, one of our contributors, became ill and sadly passed away on 27 January. She will be very much missed.

Today I would like to share with you the shocking letter which my human housemate received from Petplan after she told them Squeak had died. Up until now, my housemate was a big fan of Petplan because they pay for cats to have treatment at the vet. If you are very old, like Squeak was, they don’t turn you away, and if you are younger they will pay for any chronic conditions you develop throughout your life. When I severed three tendons in my paw, my housemate only had to pay a small excess to the vet because Petplan took care of the rest. (Of course, I have never liked Petplan as it was just a scratch and they made me wear a silly collar.)

After my housemate told Petplan about Squeak’s death, she expected to receive some written confirmation that the policy had been cancelled, and a refund of any fees due to her. Instead, she got this letter:

The font is a little hard to read, so here are some of my favourite bits:

Time to renew Squeak’s Petplan cover

Our pets are part of the family. Seeing them poorly or in pain is heartbreaking. We were so sorry to hear about your sad loss of SQUEAK and SQUEAK; please accept our deepest condolences.

You know more than most that none of us can take our pets’ wellbeing for granted. If the worst happened, we are sure you’d want Squeak to get the treatment she needed – but the vet bills can really add up.

That’s why we wanted to remind you that your Petplan policy is due for renewal on 18 March 2011. We are sure you don’t want to lose Squeak’s cover and so we have enclosed your new policy documents for the year ahead.


We look forward to renewing Squeak’s cover soon – so you can enjoy her companionship with the peace of mind that she’ll be looked after if she is injured or ill.

I know Squeak was larger than life, but I hadn’t realised there were two of her.

This page shows that Petplan were planning to take £212.95 out of my human housemate’s bank account to “insure” a cat they knew full well was deceased:

And this page shows that the condition Squeak died of – a neurological disorder – will no longer be covered from January 2012:

I am gutted by the whole thing as I thought there were no vets in heaven. However, if cats who have passed to the other side still need pet insurance then I guess there must be. 😦